Suggest First - Decide Then 

Goal: To reduce fights over dominance, to build a better team.

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Variant 1 "All Areas"

1. As a couple, agree on the principle: "Suggest first then decide" for all areas of living together.

2. If a partner wants to do something or decide something, (s)he suggests the project as an idea and asks additionally: "I want your opinion on it. I ask you for it!"

3. If no agreement can be reached within a reasonable period of time, the idea will not be implemented.

Variant 2 "Selected Areas"

1. In a conversation, determine selected areas of living together in which the principle of "first suggest, then decide" is applied.

2. If a partner wants to do or decide something in the agreed areas, (s)he proposes the project as an idea, for example: "I want your opinion on it. I ask you for it! "

3. If no agreement can be reached within a reasonable period of time, the idea will not be implemented. 

Difficulties

• Impatience and feelings of helplessness, because including the partner takes more time. Decisions as well as actions are delayed.
  Tip: Do not transform these negative emotions of vulnerability into anger, but simply communicate them and cope with them (self-regulation).
• The asking person does not receive an answer within a reasonable time and has the feeling that his partner intentionally did not respond.
  Tip: The minimum answer that can be expected is "No, I don't want that" (or similar). A withdrawal into silence threatens the exercise.
• The application of the principle is forgotten or the partners currently fall back into the "old" scheme.
  Tip: Think about it: In the past, without applying it consciously, this principle has already been successfully applied.
• You notice that you have restricted the exercise to only one or two areas.
  Tip: Add new areas according to your shared experience. Adjust your agreement.
• You notice that "as many areas as possible" are too many areas.
  Tip: Restrict the areas according to your common experience. Adjust your agreement.
• Always discuss your difficulties with the exercise during the weekly review. Make notes of the problems you have experienced.

Deciding Alone Without Being Criticized

Goals: Dominated partner: Experience more self-confidence within the relationship - Dominant partner: Let go of control, build confidence in your partner and stay relaxed

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Variant 1 "selected areas"

1. In a conversation, identify selected areas in which you will use this exercise for a specific period of time.

2. Apply the principle "deciding alone without being criticized" to the suggested areas (see also examples below)

3. Discuss the exercise at the end of each week in a review. 

Variant 2 "Selected Time Phases"

1. Agree only time phases during which this exercise applies without defining ranges. This means that during the selected time on all areas the principle of "deciding alone without being criticized" applies (see examples below).

2. At the end of each week, review the exercise.

Difficulties

• The partner who makes the decisions will still be criticized.
  Tip: It is important that you adhere to this principle of "freedom of criticism". Continue the exercise and try to do better.
• You don't manage to do without criticism (critical/ironic remarks are made afterwards).
  Tip: Learn to regulate yourself better emotionally.
• The partner who makes the decisions is afraid of criticism or feels (too) insecure.
  Tip: Don't give up. The dominant partner should encourage his insecure partner here.
• Always address your difficulties with the exercise during the weekly review. Make notes of the problems you have experienced.