Avoidant persons expect nothing good from "proximity" spontaneously. They had to learn that closeness does not calm their emotions but intensifies them negatively and increases insecurity instead of reducing it.
Therefore, avoidant persons can allow closeness above all when things are going well in the relationship. However, anxious or secure individuals also establish closeness when things are not going well. To connect because the relationship is not going well is something aversive to the avoidant person.
The avoidant-insecure attachment style deactivates feelings of proximity. That is, he weakens them internally through defense mechanisms and externally through numerous behaviors. This is what is meant by deactivation. If the avoidant's attachment system is deactivated, he feels distance and consequently feels more independent. The avoidant type often finds it difficult to see closeness as a resource and as a safe place. He sees a weakness in his own need for it and prefers to feel "free" and independent. By deactivating feelings of proximity, the avoidant person can reduce the emotional insecurity behind.
Sometimes avoiders mistakenly think of their partners as too needy and too dependent. Avoidant persons often draw a lot of self-esteem from the fact of their independence and autonomy. So much so that they can also experience attachment as a lowering of their self-esteem. The avoiders ignore their own innate needs for closeness, stability and security through attachment. If you are avoidant, it is difficult for you to feel close and entire thanks to an attachment, unlike secure or anxious attachment types. Finding an emotional home and providing it to another person is not easy for them.
Deactivation strategies or numbing of attachment needs
With increasing proximity, avoiders often try to numb or deactivate their existing attachment feelings due to the emerging insecurity. Below are a few typical deactivation strategies:
- A resigning anxious attitude: "I am not yet ready for more", although one carries on the relationship and is not seriously willing to quit.
- They have the avoidant attachment belief: "I don't believe that proximity to another person is a safe place to comfort me. I trust best only myself. I feel safest at a certain distance. I'm afraid of losing independence."
- They focus on "faulty" details: The type of clothing, eating habits or how the partner talks can pile up to obstacles, so that they feel uncomfortable with closeness.
- They avoid expressing explicit positive attachment messages: Rather than saying "I love you", they'd prefer to assume that their partner indirectly notices how much they care about them.
- They send mixed signals regarding the common future (hesitation, avoidance and relativisation).
- Idealizations of how a partner should be.
- Idealization of the ex-partner.
- Mental disengagement when the partner talks about "we" and "togetherness.
- Secrets about intimate or personal things are not shared in order to feel more independent (which equals feeling less insecure).
These are largely unconscious processes of the attachment system, but the feelings and emotions of avoidance are discernible to the avoider. That is why he (she) is to a certain extent actively involved. By the way, this is the opportunity for a change. Those who as avoiders want to do something about these deactivation strategies must first and foremost understand one thing: These strategies are part of your attachment system! This attachment system produces unconscious patterns that manifest themselves in behaviour as well as in thinking and feeling. Becoming aware of this is the biggest step towards change. By the way, the avoidant attachment style is part of the evolution of the attachment behaviour of primates in particular.
Avoidance behaviour - Cold anger
The deactivation strategies listed above are primarily internal processes (defense mechanisms). Rejecting or distance-creating behaviour patterns are used in front of the attachment partner when it comes to temporarily keeping the partner at arm's length. These strategies can often be observed in conflicts in particular. The emotion behind this behaviour is "cold anger". From the point of view of the avoidant person, it is a protection against getting hurt, but from the point of view of the attachment partner who asks for closeness, it is a passive aggression or cold anger.
Typical avoidances and walls
Such typical avoidances shield against proximity. They can make the attachment partner desperate.
- First contact (greeting) and final contact (goodbye) are not offered to the attachment partner ("must go now, sorry", "am too tired for kissing", "always forget" etc.).
- After a nice attachment moment suddenly builds up a distance.
- Avoiding or hesitating when it comes to (short-term) planning of couple activities, as well as mixed signals with regard to the longer-term future.
- Rather gives a small, not quite clear sign as proof of love than expressing clear, unambiguous words. For example, prepares your partner's favourite dessert (which he also likes very much) instead of saying: "I was thinking of you today. For me you are the most important person in my life".
- Avoids physical closeness, e.g. sleeps in a different bed, walks a few meters in front of your partner, does not hold hands.
- In an upcoming conflict situation: Being busy or pretending to have plans which are of no real priority.
- In situations of conflict: Remaining silent and stonewalling.
- In situations of conflict: Is not the one to make the first contact after a fight (greeting, re-meeting, getting up in the morning etc.).
- In situations of conflict: Withdrawal, closing the room door and being alone, although the partner is asking or begging for contact and attachment security.
- In situation of conflict: If the walls are "torn down" by the attachment partner through protest, then a counter-attack is started at least verbally. The attachment partner is depicted as dependent, needy and immature.
- In situations of conflict: Avoidant persons are very vulnerable to protest behaviour and "verbal trash". They forget insults less quickly after a fight and have more trouble re-establishing the connection.
In the case of conflict, escalations can occur, especially if the attachment partner is of the anxious attachment type. Anxious partners often pour too much oil into the fire themselves.