A person with the secure attachment style is someone for whom closeness means an emotional home, a closeness for which the person is willing to do much on his own to preserve and nurture it.
The Safe Inner World: Typical thoughts and feelings
If the attachment partner is nervous and insecure and needs emotional support, then the secure attachment type has no difficulty in responding correctly. He (she) thinks anyway that giving emotional security is the deeper meaning of any bond. They feel fundamentally comfortable in close relationships and will not reject the attachment partner if he needs closeness. Below are a few elements of the mindset of a secure attachment type:
- The secure attachment type assumes that the partner has basically good intentions.
- Has the secure attachment belief: "I believe that the persons close to me really want to be there for me and indeed will be there when needed. I assume that I am always valuable enough for them. Closeness is basically something positive."
- Does not only long for the partner in silence, but expresses his needs in a personal, unambiguous way
- Has hardly any inner ambivalences regarding the relationship and therefore hardly send "mixed" signals to their attachment partner ("I will - no, but not")
- Does not idealize the partner - does not look for the perfect partner
Conflict behaviour is de-escalating
If the secure type is attacked by the partner, then he has a dampening effect on the attacker. He (she) tries to de-escalate automatically. Should his partner remain in cold anger or silent protest, the secure type will approach his partner and offer him contact. If the attachment partner should attack in hot anger or loud protest, then the secure attachment type will become quieter, say appeasing sentences, withdraw temporarily and take advantage of the first possible moment to re-establish a safe and stable contact.
The secure base (
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- Be there! Allow your partner to be emotionally dependent when he or she needs it.
- Do not interfere! Support the partner especially in the background, so that he (she) keeps the power of action over himself. Avoid " micro management "!
- Be encouraging! Accept the way the partner functions and grows personally. This empowers the partner's self-esteem.
Typical de-escalation patterns for the secure attachment type
Of course, it is not the sole privilege of secure attachment types to be de-escalating, but unlike the anxious (very escalating!) and the avoidant type (passively escalating), they are faster and more spontaneously able to do the right thing in order to reconnect.
- In a conflict situation, they avoid relationship games.
- They express their needs confidently and want to know the needs of their attachment partner.
- They are specific when they have to set boundaries (healthy anger)
- If the attachment partner is in emotional insecurity, they switch to "listening".
- The negative emotions of vulnerability, but also (unhealthy) anger are not immediately interpreted as aggression, but as a signal that their partner needs them now in order to return to more positive emotions.
- Their negative emotions of vulnerability are not transformed into unhealthy anger ()
- They say promptly if they feel hurt and expect the attachment partner to shift down a gear.
- Withdrawal and silence are only used to de-escalate. They are the first to step out of the withdrawal and address the attachment partner's feelings as quickly as possible.