Individuals with an anxious-insecure attachment style can be recognized by the fact that they react very sensitively to distance in the relationship. When they are in a relationship, their attachment system is quickly troubled when the partner is unavailable, unreachable, or unwilling to be close.
The anxious attachment type has an attachment system that is quickly activated. Even a small hint that the partner may be distancing himself in some way is often enough to put their attachment system into alarm. They therefore have a great need to feel connected to their partner and to get regularly reassured. Only when the reassurance has been given does the anxious system calm down again.
Internal Hyper-Activation: Attachment Alarm
If the anxious type feels alarmed, its attachment system gets activated. He then has so-called activation strategies, which often express themselves through verbal protest (see below). Sometimes the protest can cross the partner's boundaries. By protesting, the anxious type ultimately signals the need to re-establish secure proximity.
Before it comes to visible protest in front of the partner, the attachment system attempts in a first phase to soothe itself through internal processes. This is what is meant by hyperactivation. However, the self-soothing is usually not really successful.
- Continuously thinking about the relationship and no longer being able to concentrate on anything else (e.g. work, childcare).
- Thinking about the positive qualities of the partner in order to be able to calm down somehow.
- Hoping that the partner will soon send out a message of commitment ("I love you," "I'm waiting for you," etc.) to feel connected again.
- Attempting to calm down by thinking "every couple has its problems".
- Cheering up with "my partner will change".
- Anxious thinking and feeling, because "it would take years to find a new partner again. I'm not really compatible with anybody anyway".
- Fatalistic thinking and feeling according to their anxious commitment belief: "I don't believe that I am ultimately worthy of someone who is really there for me and loves me back. Nevertheless, closeness often is vital to my emotional survival."
By the way, one of the strategies mentioned above makes sense: to self-soothe by focusing on the positive aspects of the partnership. However, one should not only concentrate on the positive qualities of the partner. It would also be effective to remember concrete behaviour that the partner has shown in the past in order to actively restore attachment security!
Micromanagement
It is typical for persons with an anxious attachment style to want to be as close as possible to their partner when there is a problem to manage in the relationship. This closeness provides security and helps to manage the feelings of attachment anxiety better. The general tendency to be as close as possible to problems leads to so-called micromanagement in the case of everyday problems in the couple. The anxious partner leaves too little room for the other to deal with problems on his or her own, be it in dealing with the household, everyday decisions or raising the children. This often has a strong impact on the partner: he or she withdraws from the relationship.
Protest behaviour - attack - transformation into (hot) anger
If in an alarm situation the partner does not offer secure contact, then the anxious type starts protesting. That is, his alarm feeling turns into open protest. These protest actions may cause harm to the attachment relation because the behavior is anger-based (hot anger). Underneath is simply an alarmed attachment system in a state of hyperactivation. The system now must establish contact. The attachment system does not cool down until the partner has reassured the connection. The protest is over, the inner activation gives way to an inner peace and a feeling of having a safe haven in the partner.
Various kinds of protest
The attachment protest is more the external behavior when the attachment system is alarmed (hyperactivated). Many of these actions are anger-based reactions. Below are a few examples of this protest behavior.
- Too many calls, emails, SMS. Also waiting for a call, active searching and tracking (for example at the workplace).
- Accusatory scoring: How long does he (she) need for his (her) answer, how often has he (she) taken the initiative etc.? Followed by accusations and reproaches.
- Hostile gestures: rolling eyes, looking away, standing up and walking around while talking or getting close to your partner and talking loudly.
- Attempts to provoke reactions in order to gain attention (provocations)
- Aggression: Above all verbal aggressions up to assaults, if the protest is of no use (unhealthy anger).