The most important relationship characteristic of couples is that the partners form an attachment relationship. Attachments arise because there is a (genetically predisposed) need for them. In order to satisfy the need for this kind of emotional commitment, closeness to a person must be allowed and embraced. These attachment needs can be satisfied through the various spheres of proximity. Closeness is a necessary condition for experiencing attachment at all.
Proximity...
- The need for attachment is the causal factor that makes us strive for and allow closeness.
- There are many different factors that make proximity to a specific person attractive.
- The regulation of emotions is responsible for whether the existing closeness is experienced as positive or negative.
- Proximity cannot be achieved without active efforts.
In an attachment relation we can experience...
- that we are really important for another person
- that the partner's there when we need him.
- that we are not allone in this world, we have somebody
We can experience all this above all because closeness and thus emotional intensity are present in an attachment relationship. Only in and thanks to close relationships can we experience love, emotional security and meaning for someone else with sufficient intensity.
If we do not allow closeness in our lives, then we cannot experience these feelings.
In addition, the close relationships that we have had in childhood and adolescence play a formative role in our personality as we mature into adults. Toddlers cannot survive without minimal attachment to their caregivers.
What is it about closeness that makes it attractive?
Attractiveness through similarity
The need for attachment motivates us to allow and strive for closeness to another person.
In concrete terms, closeness first arises because we want to share certain values, interests, ways of functioning, visions of the future, taste, aesthetic feeling, origin, education and group membership with a partner. Such similarities promote the feeling of familiarity and thus proximity.
Erotic and sexual attraction is also a core motive to allow and create closeness (desire).
Admiration for certain qualities or the ability of a partner can create a desire for closeness.
Attractiveness through difference
If differences are acknowledged and accepted, then they are a channel of mutual enrichment and personal growth (for example, either more "variety" or more "stability" than if one were alone or in another partnership with a more similar partner).
Admiring certain qualities or abilities of the partner, which one does not have oneself, can also promote the desire for closeness and be a reason to maintain this closeness.
Such attractive differences are often a somewhat unconscious motivation to allow and create closeness to one's partner.
Self-disclosure - reciprocity
Finally, mutual willingness to open up emotionally to one another is crucial so that closeness can be experienced in practice. Closeness cannot develop without mutual self-disclosure. If only one person wants to open up, but the other is not on the same page to the same extent, then love is one-sided and so would be the wish for shared closeness.
If the desire for closeness to a specific other person is intense enough, we feel being in love.
Areas of relationship proximity
The most important areas in which proximity can be created and experienced are the following:
- Proximity through joint activities
- Proximity through common tasks (e.g. education)
- Closeness through familiarity with the peculiarities and personality of the partner
- Proximity through conversation, talking
- Closeness through affective gestures and tenderness
- Closeness through shared feelings for each other (love, ...)
- Closeness through intimacy and sexuality
- Proximity through regularly recurring rituals: greeting/saying goodbye, going to bed, meals, holidays...
- Proximity through the same or similar attitudes to life ("values") and ideas about future plans.
- Proximity through the sharing all the necessities of life (e.g. housing) and joint efforts to earn a living.
If a need is felt to experience these areas of closeness with a particular person, then we feel attached.
Already when potential partners start to get to know each other, the proximity does not just arise simply like that. Closeness is always the result of an active approach of both partners.
Familiarity with the partner's peculiarities and personality is most likely to create a feeling of closeness that arises without conscious active effort. This "passive" closeness is usually not sufficient for closeness to be perceived as emotionally positive.